What If List

I was watching TV tonight and saw the Capital One commercial touting their new “Card Lab” feature (where you can upload the artwork for your card to a special Web site and “presto!” you have you’re own card…smiling face and all).

Not too long ago, a friend of mine lost her wallet. What was she most bummed out about (aside from the hassle and a few irreplaceable photos)? The fact that her license picture was REALLY good, and could not be guaranteed to be so on a re-take.

It got me to thinking, what if…

Your local DMV would allow you to bring a photo of your choice to the driver facility. Like a passport photo, it woul dhave to conform to some exacting specs in order to be considered “valid,” but the technology is certainly there to do it. When I went in for my renewal, I had not had a new license in eight years. I was BUMMED that I had to give up that eight-year-and-50-lbs-ago image, but it would have made it easier if i could have brought a well-rehearsed photo with me and had them use it.

Is anyone aware of any jurisdiction where this is possible?

Before I had this blog, I sent this email around to friends of mine in August 2004. It also appeared in “The May Report” on 8/23/04 and, in shorter form, on the “Inc.” magazine forums that same day (when oil hit an all-time high of $47.40/bbl).

’tis the season again, so I am posting it here for your review and comment (it has been mildly edited to reflect the current condition and candidates).

What if…

Whomever is elected this November stepped to the dais on Jan 20 and presented a challenge to the American People which is no less than “We pledge to eliminate our dependence on foreign energy sources within a decade…” After that, it will be his/her responsibility to unite the scientists, the crackpot entrepreneurs with “crazy” ideas, the financial community, regulators and the public-at-large to get behind the fight, keep the heat on (both figuratively and literally) and reach the goal.

Many readers may be initially inclined to say “There’s no way that is
possible.” or “That would be isolationist and would do more harm than good.”
Hopefully, as you read on, this inclination will change from “no way” to
“only way.”

Certainly, such a proclamation would be an equal or greater challenge than
the one put forth in the “We pledge to go to the moon” speech made by JFK, ultimately propelling us to the lunar surface by the end of the
1960s. When that pledge was made, the technology that would get us there
was barely conceived and many said it could not be done. “Not because
they are easy, but because they are haaaad.” Amen!

Obviously, there are rich and powerful forces raging against such an
initiative (and if you doubt it, go see “Fahrenheit,” rent “Power” starring
Richard Gere from the mid-1980s, or flip to any news program). But the
kind of initiative we’re talking about here would, hopefully, rise above the
power of lobbyists and “old boy” networks–it would be a national movement
which scores victories across so many constituencies (from
environmentalists to greedy Wall Street types, from farmers to suburban
commuters and everyone in between) that people of influence could not
ignore it.

This would need to be on par with the mobilization effort during WW-II.
Everyone is involved, everyone has skin in the game and nobody can be
excused from class.

Imagine, if you will, a July day in 2017 (now 2021) when OPEC calls an emergency meeting to lower prices again in an effort to spur demand. The 3.3 billion barrels per year that the U.S. imported are now available for purchase, but buyers are scarce (as The European Community and China have followed the United States’ lead and are in the final stages of their own energy independence initiatives).

There’s oppression and strife in a desert kingdom. Being the Land of the
Free, we have an interest in putting it down. But it is not a national
emergency of the highest order as it was in 1990 when the full Saudi
production was in imminent danger of long-term disruption. It does not
cause the Dow to plummet and Americans to begin buying bicycles and candles.

Do our leaders not see that, at any moment, OPEC could just say “ENOUGH!…
No soup for you” and turn off the spigot? The need for a massive energy
independence initiative should have been put front and center the day after
the 1973 Arab Oil Embargo ended. In that poker game, OPEC members caught on
to the fact that the United States had a fatal “tell” that would allow them
to win every hand, every time. We would be at their mercy from that point
on. Prices quadrupled in the ensuing months (from 2007-dollar, inflation adjusted $15/bbl in 1972 to $55/bbl in 1974 and, ultimately, $104 in March 2008), and there is no end in sight if we “stay the course.”

During the 1973 crisis when supply was abruptly halted, the NYSE lost $383
Billion in value in six weeks (2003 dollars). That number would be much,
much higher today if such an embargo were declared.

Indeed, those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. During this
important political season, where is the cry for a massive energy
independence initiative from either candidate? I hear “focus on renewable
energy sources” bandied about, but we have heard that for decades and are
only centimeters closer to the goal, rather than enjoying the milk in
victory lane. This is a “DefCon 1″ situation and we need a leader who will
say so, then set the cause in motion.

Some who know me might say “Mike, you say all this, but you’re driving a
gas-guzzling SUV! What up with that?” The quest for energy independence is
not about elimination of personal freedom of choice. In fact, it is my
opinion that this is where all other initiatives fail: they call upon
Americans to sacrifice rather than innovate. Give up my SUV and drive a
Prius instead? No thanks (besides, a double jogging stroller, a wife and
two kiddies in a Prius gets a bit tight with a man of my tonnage). Americans
can innovate our way out of this problem, as we have throughout history.

But we need solid leadership to set the table for this innovation, in a way
that is unprecedented in American industry. As these new technologies take
root, we may need to adjust our habits and even change some of our long-held
preferences. I’m ready. Say the word that we’re on our way to energy
independence and I’ll convert my Ford Excursion to a so-called “grease car”
(www.greasecar.com). Innovation over sacrifice. Ideas over fear or apathy.

This is intended to be a nonpartisan message, as it affects all of us. I
happen to be a Blue party kind of guy, because I think the country needs to be taken in a new direction on many issues apart from this.

(2004 Version)
But President Bush could also be a very viable and convincing proponent of such a plan. Afterall, he is a
Texan, and there is a big oil community in his circle of friends. In this
plan, there would be oodles and oodles of revenue for the “right” people
(the people without whom NO politician could get elected, so it applies
equally to Sen. Kerry).
(/2004 version). Guess not.

This plan is not about NO oil, it is about no FOREIGN oil (which would make
necessary a radical reduction in the use of oil, but not the elimination of
it).

Americans, it’s on us now .

Five or six years ago, I wrote an end-of-year email message to my staff of five.  It was New Year’s day, and I was just flooded with appreciation for the work they put in that year, and was raring to go for the new year.

The post said, among other things “…every one of you will now get three weeks paid vacation…”  well, that is how I WANTED it to come out.  How it actually was written, and subsequently sent was “..every one of you will noT get three weeks paid vacation…”

Well, that spawned a huge flap in the ranks the first week of January…because I was not made aware of it until five days after we had all returned to work.  It all got sorted out (though it did “out” some hidden feelings on the part of one of our sales reps, who made a big deal about the fact that s/he was not getting the full three weeks, and that resumes were already going out.  That rep was gone by Feb 1 (of “mutual” agreement).

So, this typo issue caused me to think, if it can happen to me, it can happen to people far more important.

What if…

Osama in Laden in Bora Bora, not Tora Bora

Thursday, Feb 21 marked another hyper-successful TechCocktail event here in Chicago. 500 or so packed the upper level of John Barleycorn Wrigleyville to talk tech, see the newest our city’s startups have to offer, and knock back a few.

TC is a key social event, but business also does get done there. And of the 500 in the room, you can bet there are always going to be a few “Mystery Men” in the mix (we’ll call him “the MM” for short, because, while they show up in various forms, they are all the same guy in the end).

Your encounter with the MM is completely random…you never seek him out. But, nonetheless, you extend your hand and say “hi, I’m ________.” They return the handshake, but say nothing more. “What’s your name?” you ask. “I don’t have a name.” they return.

This goes, as well, for the next logical question in such a setting: “what do you do?” To which they usually reply “everything and nothing” or “I work in a basement.” Well, no, you don’t…but whatever. They’ll never speak on their field of endeavor, so end the conversation there and move on.

To watch one of these guys taking in a demo, you have to possess a particularly strong will. Anything less, and you’d end up in a bar brawl. They take great pleasure in shitting all over the idea, the interface design, the entrepreneur’s clothes, the business model, AJAX, the computer the demo is running on, PHP, Apple Inc., in general, Chicago as a startup city and pretty much anything said to or placed before them.

The MM is a huge waste of space, and a lead weight to any guest list. He adds no conversational, intellectual or entrepreneurial value. He sips his free beer, and pastes the same silly, cynical grin on his kisser, while saying to himself “What if…I was good enough to put it out there like these guys are?”

While watching the LA Democratic debate last week, and hearing for the 25th time how important it is to have “universal” healthcare, it got me to thinking…”Universal?” so, when we colonize Mars, I guess that seared-off foot is covered, right? Now, before judgments are made, let me say I am in favor of health coverage for all Americans…but do we have to hyperbolize it to such an extreme that someone like me writes an article like this.

Tolipoc goes to Cedars

A couple weeks ago, I was forced to go in to the West Town US Bank Branch in Chicago. I say ‘forced’ because it was a situation where I had no other option but to go there, or find another branch. I used to bank there in the late 1990s, after it bought out the neighborhood bank that had been their for 90 years or some such. One of the reasons I stopped banking there was owing to the terrible service and revolving door staff (remember how “sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name?” Well, this ain’t it, because nobody was ever around long enough to see you three weeks running).

Still, these banks are not stupid…they hire high-priced marketing types to churn out slogans such as “We Go Beyond the Call” and “Five Star Service” to create an illusion that the monolithic, antiseptic, faceless bank you are really dealing with is more like your neighbor Bob, but in a bad suit. When it comes time to actually DELIVER on the promise of the slogan, however, the sinkhole of service opens wide.

Me: “Yes, I’d like to take this check and make it in to two cashiers checks, please.”

Teller: “Do you have an account with us?”

Me: “No…I don’t”

Teller: “There will be a $5 charge because you are a non-customer, is that OK?”

Me: “Yeah, I guess.”

(elevator music interlude while he goes to get it approved)

Teller: “I’m sorry, sir, we’re not going to be able to cash this check for you.”

Me: “Why not?”

Teller: “We don’t have enough cash on hand.”

Me: “I don’t want cash, I want two cashier’s checks.”

Teller: “Oh. You want a Cashier’s Check?”

Me: “Yes, as I said earlier…two cashier’s checks, one for (amount1) and one for (amount2).”

(elevator music interlude while he goes to get that approved)

Teller: There is going to be a $7 per check charge because you’re a non-customer

Me: “So that is $19 in fees? But what if I wanted to cash the check…you said I could not do it…so you should be able to waive the fees on one of the checks at least, right?”

(elevator music interlude while he goes to get that approved)

Teller: “He is not going to approve that. It is going to be $19.”

Me: “What about the ‘five-star service?’ Can we get a little of that going here, and waive the fee?”

Teller: “That is only for our customers.”

Me: “(chuckle) Ah! I see.”

It was the kind of honesty I can only liken to when my four year old declares, in the middle of a crowded store, “I have to go poop!” My little guy sometimes forgets the finer points of what you do and do not say aloud. And, it seems, so does the teller at US Bank.

I ponied up the $19 in fees because I was late to a meeting and wanted to get this over with. But it just got me to thinking:

What if…

When rolling out a new slogan such as “Five Star Service” US Bank were to have spent just a little more on a short employee training program that gave the tellers some expanded latitude to make judgment calls like this. My feelings for US Bank in the long term could have been improved for $7, had they waived ONE of the fees.

Or they could have said “here is a voucher for $19. If you open an account with us in the next 30 days, we will credit the fees to your first deposit.” I probably would not have opened an account anyway, but the gesture alone would have said “we’re trying to make you a customer…to earn your business” hence, “Five Star Service.”

The way it is, it’s just a poster and a little button on a teller’s polyester sport coat, and as such, a complete waste of marketing dollars.

Here’s a news flash: email marketing works. If you put it out there some people will respond. But, it is not enough just to put an email campaign out there and go home. Once the customer is sufficiently ensorcelled by the eye candy and Popeilian offer copy, you have to DELIVER with SERVICE to GET THEIR MONEY. Without that, it’s all just needless check writing to your designer and coder.

Just today, an episode played out which I thought demanded a post.

Setting the stage: I have been tossing around the idea of buying a server to host my “classmaker” staging server, as well as domain names and a couple of light-traffic sites. I know bupkis about Linux and not much more about Windows (at least at the server level). Thus, my choice was a Mac (since I have worked with Mac OS server before, seemed logical enough). I did some research and decided on a Mac Pro for the hardware and, based on some of the stuff I read online, OSX Leopard server to run the show. All told, I was counting on spending about $4000-$4500…but still had a few final questions before the green light was illuminated.

How does all this relate to email marketing? We’re rapidly approaching the point.

The Apple retail store is fine if you want to buy an iPod, a no-questions-asked Mac, or a fresh copy of OS X. But getting deep with a “genius” about the kinds of stuff I needed to speak on was something I had neither the time nor the patience to endure. Which is where email marketing comes into play.

Mac Specialist is a Mac-specific store located in Villa Park, IL (and, starting a few weeks ago, River North in Chicago). They have been around since way before the Apple retail wave hit, and offer sales, service and training. For obvious reasons, I have never had much need for their training, but we used to send our sick Macs over there on occasion. I have been on their mailing list for while now, and have watched intently as they polished their email campaign and launched a slick new brand.

On January 9, I received an email from them touting their new downtown location. I gave it another look this morning when starting to get my ducks in a row for the server purchase. I thought “I should just take a ride over there (”there” in this case, being the Villa Park location, since it is close to my house), ask my questions and, providing it does what I need it to do, pull the trigger.” And so I would.

I had a major case of “gear fever,” and was oh-so-ready for a black-shirted sales meister with a good rap to up-sell me on more RAM, a beefier processor or maybe even a 30″ display that has no business on a server, but is easily approved when one is afflicted. “Maybe I should bring the bigger car?” I thought, as I toed the pedal Westward on Roosevelt Rd.

Walking into a computer store is always a dreadful experience. The employees automatically assume they are smarter than you (afterall, they work there and you don’t, right), but just to prove it, they have to dis whatever you want to buy. It must be in the bylaws of some secret society they are forced to join. So, I was ready for a little static, but nothing like the following.

The Cast: Two employees, one customer, one unknown (could have been a “regular” customer or a worker since he was moving between front and back of the house unimpeded), me.

Me: “Hi, I wonder if you could answer some questions about Leopard Server.”

Employee1: Leopard Server? You need to see the guy over in service (pointing). (nice enough…no problem).

Mr. Unknown: (Older gent with a white beard and a “Marty McFly” orange down vest, to whom the question was not addressed, by the way).
“Ha! It doesn’t work with Xsan!”

Me: “OK?” (walking over to employee 2)

Employee2: On the phone, has not noticed me. Minute or two later: “You here to pick up?”

Me: “Pick up? Oh, no…the guy over there said you could help me out with some questions about Leopard Server.”

Employee2: “We don’t do that. It’s not stable”

Mr. Unknown (emerging from back of the house): “Yeah, I told him.”

Me: “So, you can’t answer my questions? I mean you guys are an Apple authorized reseller, right?”

Employee2: “Yeah, but our Director of Technology is not a fan of it…not until 10.5.1 at the earliest.”

Me: (getting the sense it was more about them dissing Leopard than about answering my question, since they never asked me what it was). “OK, well…thanks anyway.” (leaving)

Mr. Unknown: (chuckling as he speaks) Yeah, you just have to stick to Tiger til then…heheh.

Stats:

Total email campaigns it took to get me there: at least six
Total time spent in store: less than 3 mins
Total Dollars Spent: $0
Total Dollars Not Spent: $4000-$4500
Total times I will visit in the future: 0

What if…

Employee2 were trained as a Mac Specialist “ambassador,” who could be tech, but also bring a “we’re here to help you though this” facet?  I think it would go something like this:

Employee2: (picking up from “We don’t do that. It’s not stable”)
“Sure, what can I help you with?”

Me: (asking my 2 questions).

Employee2: “Well, Leopard server is not quite there from a stability point of view, so we’re not recommending it to our customers yet. Once 10.5.1 is released, we’re going to re-evaluate it…Are you on our mailing list?  It’s a great source for this kind of info?

Me: “Yes, I am already on the list…that’s what got me here”

Employee2: Ah, OK. You know, TIGER server IS stable (and can) / (but can’t) do what you need. (can) If you’d like more info on Tiger, I can get employee1 (presumably the “sales” guy) to help you further. (can’t) If you want to leave me your card, I can make sure employee1 or one of our other sales reps follow up with you on it when the time comes.

Yes, it takes more time and effort to be an ambassador and actually serve customers.  But, why go to all the trouble of having a store front, designing and sending an email campaign if you are not prepared to take it the last mile?

We’ve all heard the stories about how congressmen have to raise $10,000 per week from the day they take the oath, just to get re-elected. I have not seen the numbers for Senate and Presidential candidates but, given the numbers these folks are putting on the board, it has to be greater-than-or-equal to that. Thus, it begs the question:

What if…

All campaigns for federal office were, by law, funded exclusively by public money. I realize it is an idea that has been floated before, but if you stop and think about the impact that special interest and uber-donor cash has on the democratic process, you’d be quick to the conclusion that this is the way to normalize the process, and return the power to those casting the ballots.

I guess this sounds very lefty, indeed. And, as a rule, I am a middle-of-the-road kind of guy politically. But the “for sale” sign on the Capitol and White House is evident, and only a select few (usually with “big” in front of their names…be it big oil, big tobacco, big pharma or big guns) can afford the price. A lot of people will say that this type of policy restricts free speech, but the concept of money-as-speech has been sufficiently debated and ruled upon.

To be sure, media markets are priced differently around the country (a spot in New York City costs much more than one in Fargo, for example). One way this could work is by granting a certain allotment of time to each candidate for Congress or Senate, and also to the Presidential race. And those media outlets should get public-service credit and perhaps even tax benefits from providing the tims/space. This would not only level the arms race of fundraising, but would also provide inroads to other parties who gather enough signatures (which should be the true “currency” of participation) to play. The fact that the media judges a candidate’s viability by how much they raise is a clear signal that the money is what matters now. It’s wrong, and it needs to change.

A legitimate question is “How do we pay for it?” Well that is, indeed, a good one. And I do not have an immediate answer to it here. Maybe it is $5 per tax return (like the box that is already on your 1040, but let’s make it manditory). Maybe it is based on population or other metrics. Maybe you have a better idea (and, by all means, post it if you do). But it is a problem that deserves to have some common-folk brain power put against it.

The “campaign finance reform” initiatives that have been up thus far have been highly contentious, if not down-right scandalous. There is no way these guys are going to pass anything that cuts off the avalanche of PAC dollars flowing like so much crude into their respective war chests. So how do we do it?

This post departs from traditional “Whatiflist” fodder, in that it is not an “idea” for anything, as much as a question posed regarding your “comfort brands” and what would be on your “discomfort brands” list?

I was thinking about this yesterday while doing a long stretch in a surgical waiting room for a family member. After being there nine hours, I began to hallucinate a bit…and wandered into watching a guy drink a Dr. Pepper while eating a Subway sandwich…then noticed his Chevy keys right there on the table. I thought “I am NOT down with that guy’s prefs. If we were stuck on a road trip, or on jury duty or something, would we get along…or would it be a struggle from the start? Do his brand preferences bespeak his other behaviors to an extent we would not be socially compatible as bros?

We all have our preferences in life, right? You may be a Cub Fan, Bud Man; or a Mac Guy, or a Cheesehead, etc. Well, here are some of my prefs in this user session we call life:

Ford Trucks
Coke/Diet Coke (in cans or glass bottles ONLY, no 2 litres)
Mayo (Hellman’s)
Heinz Ketchup
Macintosh Computers
iPods
iPhones
iTunes
AC Cranked to Full Potential (colder the better)
Chocolate Anything
78 degrees in the air, 83 in the water
Vegas in August
Big Dogs
Drama, Comedy or Action Films
Big-Ass California Cabs
Concierge Floors
Long Road Trips
Shade
Nikon and Hasselblad still Cameras
Canon Video Cameras

I guess it is pretty shallow to actually list out this stuff…but hey, it’s my blog, so give me a break, right?

This would be my “hell” list. As Vincent Vega said in “Pulp Fiction:” “They got the same shit over there we got here…but over there, it’s a little different (ultimately leading to the famous “Royale with Cheese” comment).” Here’s what would make things less than ideal for my taste:

Chevy Trucks
Pepsi/Diet Pepsi (add discomfort points for 2 litre bottles, add more for “cherry”)
Windows-Based Computers
“MP3 Players” (without an “i”)
Treo Phones
Miracle Whip
Anything called “Catsup”
British Comedy or “Fantasy” films or any kind
Warm, stuffy spaces
“Grape” or “Cherry” FLAVORED stuff (but love the real deal)
“Vacationing” to somewhere cold (that is not an Antarctic adventure)
Cats and Birds
Direct Sunlight (unless a pool is near)
Pinot Grigio
Camping
Canon (still) Cameras (video cams rock)

OK, I’ve had my say…what are some of your “user prefs?”

We have a giant SUV at present (the Ford Excursion, once called the largest SUV on the road). There was a time where such a vehicle was needed in our household, and business (toting jogging strollers (plural) around, or 12 computer systems, moving artwork, and other “utilitarian” tasks).

In the scheme to replace it with something kinder and gentler to the environment (and our family pocketbook), we have been doing a bit of research and, in a few cases, test driving models that seemed to fit. But, in order to get access to a specific ride, you have to walk the gauntlet of sales types, hand over your license and contact info, and then dodge calls from artificially-happy sales folk for the next few weeks (or just tell them “thanks for following up…but we have not made a decision yet (which still leaves the door open to them calling you a few weeks later)”

What if…

Someone took the concept of “iGo” (by-the-hour car rentals), and worked a deal with all the major car manufacturers to offer test drives on any models currently in the showroom. I’d be willing to pay $12 (two hours time in an iGo, plus mileage–probably more for the higher end models) per vehicle to take an extended test drive in a Chrysler Aspen, a Saturn Outlook and others of comparable class, without the possibility of diligent follow-up. You would probably have to return the vehicle in three or four hours, or face hefty “per day” rental rates, which is fine for these purposes.

You see, I want to take the car on the highway, go home and load up the child seats, Mrs. Carruth, strollers and requisite little ones, then tool around on my own personal route without eager eyes on our interest “tells,” complete with a dissertation of all the “rack & pinion this” and “safety-rating” that.

You would get a credit on the money spent on the test drives (all of them, within the past week) if you actually decided to buy one of the test-driven models.

And if I like the car–that very car–I can drive it over to a local dealer and buy it on the spot, perhaps at a discount, given it’s “demo” status and mileage. To me, this is the ultimate form of “low pressure selling”  “Let the car do the talking,” I say.

Plus, if I just want to drive a Cayenne or Cayman to dinner…well that would be cool as well.

M